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Whether you're addicted to cigarettes (like I am), legal or illegal substances or alcohol, your always looking for and anticipating your next "fix."

I'm at a point in my "smoke-free" life where I'm struggling. Even with the medication in my system and the support of my family, I wrestle with the desire for nicotine or the action of smoking itself.

I am down to about four cigarettes a day (on a good day) and since I'm getting ready to start my second pack of pharmaceutical assistance I feel like I'm failing. I know I'm not, but the depressed feeling of failure lurks nearby.

I've heard from people that they've taken three months worth of this medication and they're still smoking...I don't want that to be me.

I want to stop smoking for good. I want to taste my food. I want to smell the roses (no pun intended). I want to walk into a room and not smell like cigarette smoke.

This started out as a life-changing mission and has turned into a battle with my will power.

When I feel the urge to smoke I try to find an activity that will distract the craving. I clean, I organize my desk, I walk outside for a moment or I sit at the computer and work.

When these alternatives fail I go in search of a cigarette.

The other day someone told me not to buy any more packs of cigarettes...and I haven't. My husband smokes and has no desire to quit. So cigarettes are easily accessible in my home.

It's like a losing battle.

One of the side effects of this medicine is mild depression. I think I've surpassed the mild depression and I'm lingering closer to full blown hopelessness.

This actually is good because it makes me want to succeed even more.

I want this so bad that I'm willing to fight my will power and myself.

Is that kind of like a battle of the wits?

To contact Dawne Prochilo email her at dprochilo@michigannewspapers.com.